Self Note

Just self introspection

My last note to myself There was a time I used to wake up with a strange kind of excitement. The kind that didn’t need a reason. The day could be ordinary, the sky cloudy, my plans boring, but somehow I still managed to feel alive.

Now I don’t feel much of anything.

Lately, I’ve been walking through life like it’s a checklist. Wake up. Eat. Pretend to laugh. Scroll. Reply. Sleep. Repeat. Everything feels like a task. Not a journey. Not an experience. Just something I have to get over with. Joy, curiosity, even anger have all dulled into a gray haze of whatever.

I haven’t properly slept in months. Three to four hours a night if I’m lucky. Most nights I stay up till four or five in the morning staring at the ceiling, my phone, the wall ,standing in the balcony gazing through stars. Then I’m up again by eight, dragging myself through another empty day. I smoke more than I breathe now. Finishing packets of cigs like I’m trying to erase myself one puff at a time.

Nothing excites me anymore. Not the things I used to love. Not the people I care about. Not even the goals I once obsessed over. I used to dream. Now I don’t even remember what those dreams were. Or why they ever mattered.

I’m not broken. I’m still here. I function. I smile when I should. I say I’m okay when asked. But inside it’s just blank. Like I’m lost somewhere and no one even realizes I’m missing. I feel like screaming out loud but I know no one would understand that kind of void. I wish I could explain what changed. Maybe nothing did. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe life didn’t dim the light. Maybe I did.sad But I’m still writing this. So maybe there’s still a small part of me that hopes. Maybe this isn’t the end of the story. Maybe I’m just stuck on a page that’s hard to turn.

2019 version of me would’ve walked away if he saw who I am today. This isn’t me, and it’s never who I wanted to become.That sweet, polite version of Gourav has faded away. I no longer radiate what I once did. I have plenty of friends who are always ‘there to talk,’ but in reality, I feel like I have no one

All that remains is this cute little copium notes .